Wednesday, September 19, 2012

fall is coming

Hello again. 

It has been awhile, hasn't it? This blogging thing, I don't know. If you would have asked me a week ago, I would have told you I was over the whole thing. Reading blogs, writing blogs. That I should just close this whole operation down. After blogging consistently since 2002, it has been a big part of my life, moments documented and recorded forever. But when it becomes a burden or another task on the list, I can't bring myself to sit down and write. I have a love/hate relationship with the concept of a blog. I have always wanted this to be a positive space, never wanting to reflect a perfect life, but not wanting to fill it up with sarcasm or complaints either. Just a space to share and reflect. In the last few months though, I haven't been inspired to post here. At all. Usually I make a halfhearted attempt and then nix the post before I've finished it. And last week I thought about just closing the page to be done with this chapter. But I've decided to keep things alive for a little bit longer. Sometimes you need to step away and be still for awhile to appreciate the space. 

.     .     .     .

Today was the first day that truly felt like fall. It is my favorite time of year. After a hot and humid summer, I welcome fall with open arms. The windows are thrown open and in the afternoons, Emerson and I go on long walks, soaking in the wonderful weather. 

I am in shock and awe that our little girl is eight months old. Eight months. My first thought when I woke this morning was, She will be one year old in four months. Four months!? I know everyone says it goes fast, but life zips by faster and faster everyday. I feel I am constantly looking at the calendar and wondering how it could be September when last I looked, surely it was March or April. 

This new routine, being Emerson's mom and spending my days with her gets better and better. I didn't know what all of this would feel like, what it would be to put my career aside and focus on raising our daughter. And certainly in the early weeks of Emerson's life, it was hard to imagine what our weeks together would look like in the months ahead. But since those first tenuous days together, we have found our rhythm and our days are fluid and lovely. This isn't to say everyday is perfection. There are days when teething barges in and steals my contented daughter and replaces her with a wailing, frustrated, and exhausted little girl. And there are days when not much of anything gets done. I don't get a shower and the dishes pile in the sink and we're both a little on edge. But those days are infrequent (thankfully). 

I feel Emerson has helped us focus and simplify our life. It's still a work in progress, but she has helped me realize what is most important and what I should focus my energies on. She is such a beauty, such an incredible little person. I am amazed to see her emerging. She has her own personality and own way of doing things. Sometimes she is reminiscent of Charlie or I, but mostly she is just herself. She is exploring her surroundings in a more thoughtful and focused way these days. She examines everything, chews everything, watches everyone. She leaps into our arms in the morning and snuggles close at night. Tonight as I was readying her for bed, I asked her the question I've been asking for months. Emerson, can you give mama a kiss? And tonight, she responded and planted one on my lips (and then another, and another, and another). I think my heart burst right there. We giggled together and then wrapped each other in a big hug before I said goodnight.

It is amazing to feel so full of love.

Recently I have been trying to organize and simplify my life and have started projects around our house in attempt to do so. This includes organizing the hundreds of photos piled in various folders on my computer. Cleaning and organizing various folders and documents on my desktop. And cleaning house on my Google Reader because all of the unread blogs were stressing me out. I've been cleaning closets and drawers and going through things with an editor's eye, removing clutter and unnecessary things. I want to take better care of myself so I can be a better mother/wife/daughter/sister/friend. Each week, I've been making an effort to: 

- go to bed earlier
- drink more tea
- exercise everyday
- take vitamins
- walk instead of drive
- buy fresh flowers
- clean the house a little bit each day
- write letters 
- keep up on Emerson's baby book and letters
- read books
- explore my faith
- read and listen to the news
- turn off the television/computer/phone
- spend more time with Charlie

I have been itching to get back to painting. I need to do it. I need to make time for it. How do you take care of yourself? Anything I should add to my list?

I don't know what this space holds in the coming months. I don't want to promise more posts, but I have many I want to share if only I can get myself to sit down and do it. 

Be well, my friends. Happy fall. 


Good reading: 
Are You As Busy As You Think? 
Focus: A Simplicity Manifesto in the Age of Distraction
The Book of Awakening: Having the Life you Want By Being Present to the Life You Have


Kristin said...

If you want to paint...don't go back to work. Honestly. I have no time to myself. None. Zip. Nada. I'm with Henry in the morning, sometimes a sitter comes in the afternoon so I can work, I have a brief dinner with Justin and say goodnight to Henry, and then I work all night. And all weekend. I haven't been at my sewing machine since June. It sucks and I'm tired and I still feel like I'm not making enough money. I rarely get a chance to knit. Just thinking about starting a new project makes me tired. Not to discourage you or paint everything as bleak, but dude, these are tough days. I welcome the thought of preschool. So if you don't have to work, don't. You're not missing anything except guilt and stress. Once you get things organized to an okay point, you can use that time to do some painting. Any time you have for you is the best time at all.

(And how do I take care of myself? Dirty books.)

Myndi said...

Ha! I start my first freelance project next month, so we'll see how it goes. You might not be sewing or knitting as much, but you do manage to read an impressive boatload of books each week (I have always been impressed by this) and you are a brilliant cook, so there's still a glimmer of hope. Right? Right??

Anonymous said...

All I have to say out!!! The 8 month mark is when I finally feel my life coming together again AND manage to find the time/strength/interest to work on getting pregnant again! HA! It's happened twice now...
Good news for me is that I have no regrets. So far I love that my girls are so close in age and it's exciting having another on the way that will be equally as close...but there have been many moments of pure exhaustion. Enjoy this only gets better! Molly

Kristin said...

I read while Henry plays in the morning and before bed for maybe a half hour or so. That's about it. I've been reading a lot YA lately, and those go quickly. But I don't get to cook as much as I used to. Justin comes home from work, plays with Henry, puts him to bed, and then cooks for us. I just cook once or twice a week, and I haven't baked in ages. Henry's just into everything and he has such a little temper that it's hard to actually accomplish anything. I know this will change soon, but right now it seems never ending.

E-mail about your upcoming project! I want to hear all about it!

Channing said...

I go back and forth between forcing content and letting content come to me and not worrying about a lack of personal blogging. I think either approach can work really well. I certainly wouldn't be scared of a quiet blog though if you go the patient route. Just because there's no barrier to publishing doesn't mean something is worth publishing. You have such great thoughts and photos and I don't mind waiting for it if I have to.